Miss Independent’s Territory

Define happiness. I can’t. I really can’t. There’s always been an incompleteness in my inner self. I use to think I had been numb, I do not even care anymore. Recently, this feeling is hunting me again. Incomplete.

I always remind myself, be happy, smile. You know you’re luckier than many unfortunate people in the world.. you have to be contented, do not ask for more. Do not be greedy. 

I’m a lucky person on earth, I have a home where i belong, i have formal education, I have food and clean water to consume without having to worry, i have a bunch of friends,….. i’m living in a peace and safe place without having to worry when the next bomb will drop from any troops elsewhere…

But, i’m still in search for happiness. i remembered I once experienced it in my life. Those memories i have in my heart, why are they gone? I remember i was very close to my dad when i was young. i remember he always disturbed me, saying i’m short and my nose is small. I remember he held my hands whenever we went for travelling. I remember hugging him whenever he’s back from work and i was scolded by him for hitting his belly too hard. i remember i used to talk to my dad. I talked a lot with him. 

But now, i don’t even communicate with him everyday. hE TALKS with his friends on cellphone more than talking to my sis and i.. and, i wanna start a conversation, whenever i try.. i just get back a one word answer and ultimately, i have given up to try. Silence is what we’ve got.

I wonder why some of my friends are so close with their dad. I always see pictures of close families through tv dramas, through some of my friends’ families… what’s fatherly love? i wanna find this feeling back.. i miss having a dad to talk to. truly, i am. I need a father figure to guide me when i am lost coz…  i’m tired of always standing on my own. I want my family back like it was many years ago. Time has changed everything. 

Has his role changed?

Dad, i want you back, i need you, i miss you so much that you will never know. I feel so hurt everytime when you just walk out the door, have you forgotten me? dun leave me behind the door please..

I work and work and work, are you proud of me? dad, could you answer me?

Now, i’m actually crying beneath the blanket. convincing myself to accept everything and move on. in my mission to search for happiness. i’m not greedy, i just want my dad back. without you, i’m incomplete. :’(

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