爱，从来都不存在。我独自一个人走我该走的路。
当我看到朋友一个个都找到他们的爱时，羡慕吗？还好啦。祝福她们！
从来都不会为这种事烦恼。很可怜的我，连一个暗恋的人都没有。以前，至少还有一个人在心里面，有空时就想一想他。现在，我的心就留给爸妈，姐妹，朋友们。感觉好轻松。
我好想用我的力量来协助别人，我有一股冲动想到世界各地，去关怀别人。但，我也很希望被关怀，可是我就是每次当别人问我有没有事时，我会说：“我okay”.其实，我一点都不okay.我痛说不出来！我就是喜欢假强！真是失败！我活该的。
做事情时，我会很用心去做。这也是笨蛋。因为有做工的人，被骂，被误会。反而，一点贡献都没有的人，只有一张嘴的人，他们反而过得很好。对，我就是不会说话，那又怎样？我笨蛋！
我发现我不会表达自己，我觉得有时候很辛苦。我好想有人了解我。可是我会坚强的！我okay!有人懂吗？我okay!
这两个星期,简直是这五年以来最难过的.
我不会强词夺理,我一向来就不善于沟通.我只会照着道理,证据,有话直说. 我也会伤心,可是我也许不会让任何人知道.我也许觉得委屈,只好把这感觉吃进去肚里.无所谓,我相信人在做,天在看.我对得起自己,解释给别人..不必了.我的话没有这样多.明白我,懂我的人,根本不需要我的任何解释.
我只想过完我的中学生活.它,尤其这两个星期,让我领悟了很多道理. 好的朋友,需要以时间来看透. 很开心,这样的朋友,我有. 我也觉悟,妈说得对.. 世上有种种的人.quote adoria, ‘life is not a bed of roses’. 我明白了。以后，我会很小心地交朋友。
这几天，真的很累。 应该会去跟树讲话吧！还是，Bodhi Tree is the best!
Standing alone doesn’t mean that I’m lonely. Walking alone doesn’t imply that I need anybody else beside me. Being mute doesn’t mean that I have nobody to talk to. It’s just my personality. You might think that i’m a lonely single lady. But, actually I’m not. A person walking on her own path, i have my shadow to accompany me. I never ever want to rely on anybody.. coz when that person is gone, i realize, again, i will have to be on my own. And that sucks! So, it’s better to remind myself to stand on my own feet everytime. Then, i will never ever feel lonely again… it feels great now !
Recently, i fall in love with a voice.. it calms and heals my soul, it temperates my heart.. feels alive listening to a voice like his. I have become a big fan of super junior don’t know since when.. especially, cho kyu-hyun’s voice. Just, so so so nice. so touched by his voice, makes me occupied and not lonely at all. i just wish that there’d be a super junior concert in m’sia and i’ll be there for sure… a voice like that kills me immediately..
He’s already gone, and i’ve moved on, i guess.
Extremely happy to receive the biology award next week. Coz that’s what i want… i still cried at home a few weeks ago, coz i din score the highest for biology this term.. but when i saw my name on the list, i couldn’t suppress my feeling, just felt so lucky and grateful! keep smiling like a psycho for the whole day… siao eh.. I want the biology award so much because .. i wanna be a doc… bio is my fav subject leh…my life~ thanks God. haha, love you so so so much! muaks! 
hooray!
1. Where did you take your profile pic?
From ‘my photos’.. lol
2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
PJs..pyjamas
3. What is your current problem?
How to score an A1 for Chinese?.. haiz
4. What makes you happy most?
Traveling
5. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?
Outta here - Esmee Denters
6. Any celeb you would marry?
Ethan Ruan, haha, muscle man!
7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Sally, Will Smith, Hyun Bin
8. Ever sang in front of a large audience?
What bout in the band? teaching rhythm?
9. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
Nope
10. Do you still watch kiddie movies or kiddie TV shows?
Yea, once in a while, totally spies… hahaha
11. Do you speak any languages?
Human language
12.Do you ever watch MTV?
Seldom
Chapter 1:
=====================
1. Middle name:
Tsu
2. Nickname(s):
Panda, Dutch Lady, lim susu
3. Current location:
Penang
4. Eye color:
Brown or black?
Chapter 2:
=====================
Do you get along well with your parents?
very well with mummy, daddy err, not sure
Chapter 3: Favorites
===========================
1. Ice cream
Chocolate, i’m a chocoholic!
2. Shampoo/conditioner:
Herbal essence
Chapter 4: Do You…
===========================
1. Dance in the shower?
Yup, very often!
2. Do you write on your hand?
yea
3. Call people back?
never..unless very important
4. Believe in love?
Absolutely
5. Any mental health issues?
Nope, you tell me
Chapter 5: Have You..
.=============================
1. Broken a bone?
No, almost
2. Sprained anything?
left ankle, during taekwondo training after band practice
3. Had physical therapy?
No
4. Gotten stitches?
No
5. Taken painkillers?
yup
Chapter 6: Who/What was the last
===================================
1. Movie you watched:
G-force
2. Three people to text you?
Pauline, ChiA zhen, chai yuen
3. Person you called?
Pauline
4. Person you talked?
mummy lim
5. Thing you touched?
Bio model test papers
6. Thing you ate?
green apple
7. Thing you drank?
water
8. Thing you said?
@**^(!
HOW I END MY SENTENCES
===============================
1. I love: him
2. I don’t understand: why is it so hard to confess that you love somebody
3. When I wake up in the morning: I saw dad in front of the computer AGAIN!
4. Life is full of: CHALLENGES!
5. I get annoyed very quickly when: I’m SLEEPY OR HUNGRY
6. Parties are: gathering and get drunk! haha
7. Dogs are: ka-wa-i !
8. Cats are: yiiii
9. Tomorrow is: another day, waiting for miracles to happen
10. I have a low tolerance for: traffic jams
11. If I had a million dollars I would: donate them to the victims of tsunami etc etc, and save some for me to tour the whole world, backpacking!
12. I’m totally terrified of: snakes
spm is coming soon yo! can’t wait..
so, i’m gonna commit myself to books for this whole month; graduation dinner, i will try my best to help but no promises, i think i have wasted many hours doing those stuffs, i know many of us are too, but i just can’t stand lookin at those who don’t even help out. so, that’s it. i’m done with it. And, it just somehow so sick to look at some people who constantly criticize and use a rather harsh tone to speak to us. hey, i just wanna say, we’re only human beings, can you at least just know how to be a head and tell us i appreciate what you have done till now, but it’d be better if……. so not in the situation.
results, suck! not that i din get A or what, just that i still can do better than this. therefore, keep on working. stand up when you fall. and everytime i fall, i learn something. worth it! sad for a few hours enough ald, just move on, get back on the track again. i’m gonna buy buy buy many books and finish them all i swear! cut down my entertainment time allocation etc etc… and work my ass out of it, esp chinese.
What i’ve been doing lately–swimming. hehe, super extra nice.. trying to smile everyday, but still can stand la. Suddenly thought of one person, haha, don’t know how she’s doing. miss her so much! i think she’s the only one who can earn my smile now.
Learn to appreciate everything, how people helped you, how everybody teaches you and listens to you. if you don’t appreciate what i’ve done, it’s okay. If you don’t understand i’ve assisted you wholeheartedly, it’s okay. But, things will never be the same cause you have taken me for granted and– I’M DONE, SO LONG! Forgive and forget, easier to be said than done. Just don’t care and let it be, not gonna waste my time thinking bout these. not gonna make myself sad for thinking bout it. Just be happy and try not to care too much. coz it’s not worth it. i’m not gonna emulate your example coz i was taught to appreciate things and people surround me. PEACE!
nice photos? KLCC and ‘the flutist’ were taken when I followed dad and mum to kuala lumpur not long ago. and the ‘i-sports’ photo was taken by me this afternoon at Island Hospital…while i accompanied mum to do her follow-ups with her bone issues. according to her, she did her physio there too. the i-sports centre at island hospital does look like a gymnasium a lot, interesting!
i feel alive walking in a hospital, hahaha.. it’s a dream, a hope, a future. just pray that it’ll turn real soon. this feeling is growing stronger day by day.. i’m on my path there…
MY PRESENT AIMS:
before 20 years old,
- secure a scholarship to ease my family’s financial burden! and be the first grandDAUGHTER to be a scholar.
before 30 years old,
-be a medical officer–complete my housemanship–further my studies to specialise in heart– and finally become a surgeon!
before 40 years old,
- help mum to realize her dream, i know she wants to travel to the seven wonders of the world. we have only completed one–great wall of china. THE rest, i will help you mummy! I HOPE THAT I CAN !
- ABOUT DAD, ERR..？ HE LIKES FARMING A LOT. BUT I’M NOT SURE WHETHER I’M CAPABLE OF BUYING A LAND…think bout this later, coz not practical. hehe
- i wanna serve and help in ‘negara dunia ketiga’.. eg, africa… or if there’s a need for help in any places such as taiwan, india, …..or even in malaysia. i’d be there. i wanna open my eyes, and look at the other part of the world- the not so fortunate areas. i wan to spread my love to those who are in need of it, they need it more than i do. i should be there for these people and grasp a better meaning of ‘life’.
before 50 years old,
- backpacking and go around the whole world travelling!!!! sounds impossible.. but i’ll see later!
hahahaha, it’s so funny to think of all these.. but at least there’re loads of things waiting for me to accomplish, one by one.. dreams and hopes are my force, driving me to hang on and keep working! all the best!
烦, 很烦.. 所以这几天都干脆 把电话关了.从来都没那么烦过. 我现在什么都不想 想.只想好好地静一静,把头脑, 心灵都冷静下来. li fern, perhaps i should go for retreat now? and sorry ya ws, these few days cannot contact me bout the grad dinner thinggie.
so, i went to swim today, only managed a few lapse coz the pool at the club was flooded with people. without warm ups, my knees and arms are currently in pain.
okay, i have a confession to make here. I didn’t attend any of mr b’s lessons this month. let me count, including today, 1, 2, 3,4.. i was absent for four times!! he must be disappointed with my behaviour. not to mention, i’m pretty disappointed with myself too. having conflict with myself now, what are you thinking panda? what are you doing? since when have you become so irrational and irresponsible? since when? aren’t you the 乖乖学生？
part of me just don’t feel like going to his lessons anymore; again i know i’m doing the wrong thing. i know.but, I’M TIRED OF LIVING UNDER somebody else’s shadow. i’m tired of forcing myself to be perfect because i’m not. i’m sick of all the stereotypes given by anybody else.
So i have made the biggest mistake in my life– i’m quitting. not going to bell anymore! not taking CAE anymore though mum has paid for the fee. call me a quitter! chicken! wateva, i just wan a change! as long as i take my english seriously, nobody would deprive me from success even if i stop my lessons at bell. it’s time to be on my own now!
痛！痛！痛！痛了就要喊！！ 我现在就要为了自己而活，别人的眼光或对我的期望，很抱歉。这是我的人生，我不能时时都顺着你们所规定的路去走，因为我想走出我自己的人生。我不想在以后才后悔。。长痛不如短痛，做了决定，以后的路就要勇敢的走下去。时间会证明我的选择是否对或错。
这烦恼也该就此结束。加油！熊猫！走出来！别再为了不要伤害老师而勉强自己！痛够了吗？
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties. right
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. I admit that i’m actually a romantic person. hahaha
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. Mr right? in dreamland perhaps
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. that’s me!!! but i never have dates!!! hahahahah
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. absolutely, without education, i’m a piece of trash!
The right job for you:
You’re a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you’ll be set for life. surgeon surgeon….surgeon lim…sounds good to me! too good to be true!
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying. i‘m not overconfident, i just believe in myself. i don’t love the word confident… i would prefer ‘believe’
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It’s time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear. MY IMAGE? yea, i used to care a lot bout how others see me.. but now, i dun think i’m anymore. i care about what i think about myself more..
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. RIGHT, heart issues.. not brain issues… hahahaha
got this website from bengleong’s blog… if you wanna try it, here you go :
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
I’d say majority of the things that are mentioned above are true…hehehe
Define happiness. I can’t. I really can’t. There’s always been an incompleteness in my inner self. I use to think I had been numb, I do not even care anymore. Recently, this feeling is hunting me again. Incomplete.
I always remind myself, be happy, smile. You know you’re luckier than many unfortunate people in the world.. you have to be contented, do not ask for more. Do not be greedy.
I’m a lucky person on earth, I have a home where i belong, i have formal education, I have food and clean water to consume without having to worry, i have a bunch of friends,….. i’m living in a peace and safe place without having to worry when the next bomb will drop from any troops elsewhere…
But, i’m still in search for happiness. i remembered I once experienced it in my life. Those memories i have in my heart, why are they gone? I remember i was very close to my dad when i was young. i remember he always disturbed me, saying i’m short and my nose is small. I remember he held my hands whenever we went for travelling. I remember hugging him whenever he’s back from work and i was scolded by him for hitting his belly too hard. i remember i used to talk to my dad. I talked a lot with him.
But now, i don’t even communicate with him everyday. hE TALKS with his friends on cellphone more than talking to my sis and i.. and, i wanna start a conversation, whenever i try.. i just get back a one word answer and ultimately, i have given up to try. Silence is what we’ve got.
I wonder why some of my friends are so close with their dad. I always see pictures of close families through tv dramas, through some of my friends’ families… what’s fatherly love? i wanna find this feeling back.. i miss having a dad to talk to. truly, i am. I need a father figure to guide me when i am lost coz… i’m tired of always standing on my own. I want my family back like it was many years ago. Time has changed everything.
Has his role changed?
Dad, i want you back, i need you, i miss you so much that you will never know. I feel so hurt everytime when you just walk out the door, have you forgotten me? dun leave me behind the door please..
I work and work and work, are you proud of me? dad, could you answer me?
Now, i’m actually crying beneath the blanket. convincing myself to accept everything and move on. in my mission to search for happiness. i’m not greedy, i just want my dad back. without you, i’m incomplete. :’(
